Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I have seen this day coming for a long time, and it has finally arrived. I have now outlived my mother. For years, I was sure that I would die at the same age she did. Of course there is nothing saying it won't happen tomorrow, but any day after today will seem like a bonus! I dreaded turning 45 for the last 22 years, and I felt that I would be depressed to reach that age and surpass my mom. Strangely, though, it has had just the opposite effect. As I approached and passed the milestone this week, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I am now breaking new ground and walking where no one has walked before. I know that sounds odd, since everyday people live to be older than 45, but surpassing my mom in age, makes me feel that I am totally out of her shadow now (for better or worse). I have no mold to have to fill. Not that I tried to be just like my mom, but people are always going to tell you that something you do reminds them of her. Now, I am going somewhere she has never gone. I have no preconceived notions of what that will be like, no road map from the past. I feel like I am free to invent myself into whatever I want to be. I can be whatever I want to be in my "old age." I am certainly not saying that I am glad my mother is gone, having a road map is not bad thing. I may actually miss her more now than I did 20 years ago, but I was surprised this week when that dreaded day arrived and I was okay with it. It was not nearly as depressing as I anticipated. I now feel like my life is not destined to end at 45, and I am now able to believe that I just might live to be a grandmother!! I miss you Mom!